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I’ve tried this before, to write about this topic, but found that the static method of delivery—just plain text—was exceedingly difficult to properly depict what’s rattling around in my head.
So, if you’re looking for the full experience, I urge you to listen to the rest of the episode.
“Thinking Fast and Slow”, a book by Daniel Kahneman details an interesting way to conceptualise how we process and experience the world around us. He speaks to two different “Systems” that govern our reactions and intellect, referring to them as “System 1” and “System 2” respectively. For the purpose of my piece, I’m going to use the analogy I heard from Jay Shetty, where compares the “Parent” and the “Child” for each relevant System, only I’m going to be adding a couple more to this adaptation.
But first, let me define the two main descriptors as I understand them:
System 1—The Child/Ego: This is your immediate response, the quick and direct reaction. How you respond almost instinctively when you’re in danger, but also when you want something in a given moment, or the initial thought response to your environment.
System 2—The Parent/Intellect: This is when you ponder, think deeply and work critically to solve a problem at hand. It would be the main controller of one’s mind, at least when it comes to work and other cognitively intense tasks.
In addition to these two descriptors, I feel like there are another two, neither of which have a “voice” per se, but hold just as much, if not more weighting on how we approach decisions and sense of self:
The Spirit: A silent party that’s responsible for all actions of the body, regardless of thought pattern. When shit really hit the fan—for example, during a cancer diagnosis—this becomes the main mode of operation as both the Ego and the Intellect are unable to comprehend or deal with the situation at hand.
The Shadow: The part of our personality that conflicts with our ideal sense of self. It typically rears its head when things aren’t going well and feels like it wrestles with the Ego, or gaslights the Intellect. Or as Jung put it, “the thing a person has no wish to be”. Psychologists often talk about the incorporation of the Shadow, and reconciling with all mental parties to achieve a fuller sense of self.
The problems herein lie when these descriptors, or, voices, clash with one another. When the balance is off, that’s when intrusive thoughts and anxiety are at their highest.
Around the time I learnt about Kahneman’s descriptors, I took some time to reflect and properly look at the way in which I treat my internal dialogue. Later in my life I learnt that many others don’t even realise there are multiple ‘voices’ at play, instead just think in actions, visualisation, or just operate in thinking that there is only the one stream of consciousness.
When considering the interaction between the Ego and Intellect, it’s become increasingly apparent to me that this is where the positive, or negative, frame of mind develops. I used to operate with a rather savage relationship between the two, chastising, swearing and otherwise degrading my Ego for being out of line and not following my internal ‘code’.
[Ego: I think we can do without the music, and uh, we’ve come along way.]
Years of therapy, some heart-stopping trauma, and general reflection on my state of well-being, has allowed me to reverse this approach in favour of a healthy, kind and loving relationship.
[Ego: Mhmm, yeah, that’ll do it.]
I would be outright lying if I said that it’s been all sunshine and rainbows. Absolutely not. Both my Intellect and Ego face some pretty hairy situations and in particular, have some rather unwelcome guests showing up in their home. If you’ve seen either one of Pixar’s movies, Inside Out 1 or 2, you’ll probably know where I’m going with this.
While the abstraction and metaphor of the movies help kids (and the accompanying parents) visualise their emotions and what they’re feeling, the subtle undertone goes unnoticed—their emotions have interpersonal relationships. How Joy treats Fear, or Embarrassment siding with Sadness, a closer look at the movie and its cleverness sheds some wonderful insight into the application of our own minds.
My favourite character from the second movie at least, is Anxiety…
[Ego: Sjah yeah, yeah me too, me too]
Depicted as an emotion, and to an extent I can relate, but with in the context of this piece, its more implicit as a mode of operation, and for those that are unaware of what it’s like, an immersive way to experience it first hand.
[Ego: The fuck man, hurry up man, what’s taking so long! Write the rest of the piece!]
It’s been a hot minute since I wrote the above. I typically write in multiple sittings, and as you could probably tell by the sudden change in demeanour, tonight isn’t going as well as the others. I’m taking strain, I’m not in a good place, I’m feeling quite sad; but part of the point is letting you in on what it’s like inside my head, and dealing with all these voices. It’s going to make a pretty good example.
[Ego: Hey! Listen to me! I’m talking to you!]
Moving on… living with anxiety is like having a worried voice constantly checking to see if you’re doing okay, and when this is done within reason, it’s an effective way to look out for one’s health and wellbeing. With that said, however, when things go a bit haywire, this then borders on obsession and compulsion.
[Ego: Quit ignoring me. Pay me some attention dammit!]
Checking the door to see if you’ve locked it, that’s fine, but checking three times knowing full well that its closed, well, that's rather frustrating. Wondering if you left the stove on? Is the fan still connected to the wall? What about the window, you left it open? Mundane things for the most part, and yet, this is where anxiety takes over.
[Ego: Yeah well you know what—what if the house burns down? What if open window floods the house with mosquitos? What if it rains and it gets wet inside? What if the water from the leaf of your plant trickles down and falls on the plug of the adapter where the wires are exposed and everything goes to shit!]
Can you see just how insane that sounds? It’s not normal operations. The likelihood of something sporadically catching alight without an accelerant is next to nothing, and yet, I find myself checking over and again.
Whilst a lot of this discussion could give you the idea that I have some level of more serious compulsions, I can tell you that thankfully that’s not the case, because I have another voice that happily says things like “Eh, fuck it, let it burn” or “Nonsense, move along now”, or something in a similar vein.
Some of these thoughts can be just as irritating, but I find a certain level of relief in them. Knowing that there’s a fail safe that stops me getting trapped in an endless loop.
[Ego: There was a time when you got trapped in an endless loop. Remember your teenage years, opening and closing the bedroom window, seven times before bed? Sometimes even more…]
I was scared, okay! It was the first time I slept on the third floor of a building. And I used to sleep walk; I genuinely went to bed terrified that I’d jump. These thoughts, they’re intrusive and go round and around—nobody teaches you what they mean and for a young boy going through so much, having to wrangle with mental uncertainty made the whole process 10 times worse.
[Ego: But we’re okay now, we’ve learnt a lot, and so much has changed]
We are… *cough* I am. What do you mean ‘we’?
The constant battle between my Ego and my Intellect means that there is very little white space upstairs. The living room is home to someone strutting up and down with a handful of papers, glasses slipping down his nose and sweat forming on his forehead.
[Ego: Man, I’m getting frustrated! Come on man, react!]
[Intellect: Please lower your voice.]
He’s usually not this bad. Like I said, it’s not a good night tonight.
My calm and collected Intellect sits in my good old maroon rocking chair, deep breaths and paging through books at a gentle pace.
[Ego: React dammit. What have I got to do to get your attention!]
[Intellect: Come on now. You know better. I won’t ask again.]
Upon reflection of this little dialogue, it makes my mind smile because the general approach to dealing with these sorts of thoughts is met with love and patience. I have a few words that I will not disclose here (sorry, they’re personal) that I use to calm myself down, and the reset the approach to a more gentle tone of voice.
Sometimes its more difficult though. When I’m stressed, angry, or sad, keeping a hold of the reigns is like trying to break-in a wild horse. It just doesn’t want to listen. And I suppose that it’s here where I should add the plug of hospital trauma and hitting rock bottom good and proper, because it allowed me to rebuild the internal dialogue from the ground up.
You could attribute it to the idea of “we either make this work together and survive, or, we die at odds with ourselves”. Having experienced—as my psychotherapist would put it—a ‘spiritual awakening’ as a direct result of my intense trauma, I could use this as an opportunity to introduce the muted voice, my Spirit.
Calling it a muted voice seems accurate enough as it usually acts in the form of intuition, or in collaboration with the Intellect, as well as being the driver when all other voices are quiet. When I’m at peace, through listening to music, engaging in meditation, gym training, or dead-pan as I drive home after a long day at work, the mental silence is a welcomed reprise.
The body just functions. All parts moving automatically. Are they driven by the Spirit, the host, the occupant within these walls, or do we just exist?
[Ego: Wait, what do you mean? Just raw consciousness?]
Ah, that’s the one. And for anyone that’s ever been a hollowed out shell due to trauma or otherwise, there can be several months where there's nothing up there. Just emptiness, raw consciousness really. Thoughts happen, and there is some chirping here and there, but the general mode of operation is one of silence.
It’s strange to think about it as a form of distress, just proving that there’s a need for balance. Having just the emptiness at play, means that one’s personality is absent; communicating and connecting with others falls to the wayside and doesn’t register as something important. Existing purely to survive.
[Ego: W-w-we’re okay right? We’re okay?]
[Intellect: We are okay. No need to worry.]
That leaves the Shadow. Not willing to step into the light, nor engage the other voices, just lurking and telling everyone what they should have done better, whether that’s moments ago, or in years past.
Why not speak up for now? Integrate. Join the conversation. Imagine. And this is half the problem with the process of ‘integrating one’s shadow’, sometimes it just doesn’t want to listen.
[Ego: Yooohhh facts man, facts. You reckon this reads a bit like a screenplay? It does, doesn’t it. Could you imagine?]
I guess the reader (or listener) could let me know, I haven’t seen any other pieces like this floating around though.
[Ego: So what now? Um, how you gonna finish this piece off? Are we just gonna end here?]
I suppose I should conclude by looking at the link between each of the voices and recognising the importance of each. And maybe finding a way to reassure myself that I am in fact normal. Although I’m not sure what that means anymore.
I’d say that this piece is a keen example of how each of the voices play a part in the narrative that I use to interpret the world around me. My Ego can, at times, be a bit of a brat, but is often very genuine in many respects. My Intellect is highly calculative and empathetic, grown through having to learn new lessons during difficult and trying times, as well as the same lessons over and again; the reflective attitude helps me navigate life carefully, while at the same time not being too restrictive that I lose out on having fun along the way.
My Shadow still spins in the background, but when my Ego and Intellect work together, it gets dragged into the light for a serious conversation. Learning and incorporating one’s Shadow is a particularly gruelling experience, but one that also stands to build oneself up to a be an overall, well-rounded human being.
And that leaves my Spirit, I suppose, the part where its interpretation is very much up to your belief systems and how you choose to navigate the world. While religion is a stretch for me, connecting with the core of oneself through grounding and meditation, allows for the Spirit to resonate within the bones and meat structure I call home. The connection between our worldly-interpretation and our consciousness, also stands to bring together our body and mind.
[Silence]
[Shadow and Ego: Rant about everything]
[Intellect: Are you done? Come, let’s close this piece out together, we can even do a few edits.]
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for listening.
Title image was designed by Avelim Photography, if you’re interested in more of her work, you can contact her here!
Music credits1
If you’d like to show your support, I won’t turn down a (virtual) coffee!
See you in the next one.
~M.
Dramatic story by Ivan Hryhorashchuk; Emotional thoughtful piano thinking in silence by Ashot Danielyan (both off Pixabay)
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